Gloves Optional

Dear diary – what a trial this has been. I just thank Ford my sisters and brothers in arms have been so supportive and understanding through all this. I don’t think anyone would be able to handle this kind of adversity without a rock-solid support network. Still, this is not an enviable position to be in and of course I wish things had played out differently. I think it’s too easy to blame the dash cam. It takes an ignorant or malicious somebody to abuse tech goodies. Those dash cams are mounted for our protection, they make sure we don’t end up straying too far from the tether. Command uses them to walk us through critical situations with volatile civilians. Plus it makes us accountable to the principle of Officer Safety and tight protocol chains in all things. Not to mention what I call the scrapbooking effect, since you can take that footage and go back and reminisce. Which it might have been fun to do with the tape from the night in question – you know, with a friend – if it hadn’t all been soured by everything that happened status ex post.

I keep thinking about who’s to blame here. It’s complicated, but the way I see it none of this would have happened to me if those particular females flat out didn’t exist. Just for the record. But with them existing and all, the next thing on my wish list would be for them just to have gone about their business instead of stirring up a fuss and bother. They very clearly consented to the cavity search, so what’s to sue over? Take a look at that dash cam footage – it’s not like I held a gun to their heads. The truth is that those salacious vixens liked it and that probably nothing would’ve come of it if the blonde one with the knockers hadn’t come down with an cooter infection.

My position is clear if this case gets kicked up to the review board, and I’ll stand by it: I was out there implementing policy that night, and under very stressful circumstances to boot. I shouldn’t have to be held accountable for the fact that the policy was ill-defined with respect to the particulars. I’ve been over the Enforcer’s Handbook countless times. Nowhere does it mention anything about a change of glove from cavity to cavity or person to person. I think if you find my conduct blameworthy you would do well to look at the situation in toto. It’s late at night on a busy highway full of drunks and all manner of shitbirds. Traffic is screaming by and me and my partner are faced with a pair of potentially volatile civs thought likely to have disposed of a marijuana cigarette in the process of being pulled over.

My number one priority in that situation was to verify that neither of them possessed substances or implements harmful to themselves or others, and I made good on that task under trying conditions only exacerbated by the lack of clearly defined protocol with respect to the glove. I keep hearing in all the anti-police news media that it’s a matter of common sense and courtesy and all that. First of all, they’re not enforcement professionals, so they can’t know what it’s like. My number one priority in that instance was to get in and out of each cavity as fast as possible, not only in view of the traffic hazard but because a change of glove might have allowed those women time to draw the contraband farther up into their colons or uteri by some kind of illegal exercise of the diaphragm. The faster I get it over with, the faster we can book them, or the faster everyone can just go home and enjoy their night, if that’s the way it breaks. Furthermore, the policy with respect to car search clearly specifies that one of the chief operational objectives is to establish dominance in order both to reduce risks to Officer Safety and to increase the likelihood of the suspects coming clean voluntarily. Those who don’t believe me can find it in the Law of Suspects – it’s right there on the web.

I personally have no doubt that when the facts are viewed in their entirety, my conduct will be vindicated by the review board. I think the real issue here, beyond their potential criminality, lies with these women’s faulty hygiene, since it’s unlikely the infection would have occurred if they’d been on the ball about keeping themselves clean down there. All well and good, leaving just two concerns unaddressed. The first is the dash cam leaker. He or she (probably he) must be traced and dealt with, since the net effect of what he has done is to endanger the life of a vulnerable female patrol officer. My preference would be to diagnose and prosecute the leak through official channels, but to be honest I’m not above going vigilante. I’m a cornered animal here, and I don’t think anyone is going to blame me for lashing out to close ranks. If you asked me it was probably that chauvinist scoundrel Ramirez, but time will tell. The more abiding concern is the public. Parts of it seem to be going feral over this video. Which, though it obviously endangers the force as a whole, puts me in even more of a bind with respect to my personal Officer Safety. That video makes it possible for the public to identify my face. I just shudder to think of what some feral elements might be inclined to do if they manage to get the better of my patrol arsenal. Degrade me, humiliate me, rape me – Ford, I can’t bear to think of it. Not that I’m going to turn tail and ask to be posted to a desk job. Far from it. No. You know what I’m going to do instead? Right from tomorrow, I’m going to start lobbying Command and the union for cav search to be rolled out into as many of our interactions with the public as possible. Trust me, the blue wall is strong enough to stand up against the whatever feeble swell of outrage the public can muster. It’ll be a field day for cav searches in the Loan Star Republic – gloves optional. And really, who knows just what the public might be keeping up in there.

Gloves Optional

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s